Why We Feel So Alone (Even When We're Always Connected)

Hyperconnection as a Catalyst

Never in history has communication between individuals been as easy as it is today.

So-called social networks emerged 15 years ago, and digital tools have democratized remote interaction. This is the paradox of the digital age: we’re more connected than ever — but it has never been so easy or convenient to remain alone, apart. Despite its early promises, tech has become a loneliness accelerator.

We now have the option — right at our fingertips — to trade face-to-face time for screen time. We have more free time than ever, but we’re spending more and more of it alone. And often to our own detriment. Welcome to the attention economy. The example of teens is particularly telling.

In the smartphone and social media era, U.S. teens report a sharp rise in both the feeling "life is not enjoyable" (in red) and "I rarely see my friends" (in blue).

So yes, technology often makes our lives easier. We make less effort to stay in touch, eat, or travel. But convenience comes at a cost We drift not only physically, but emotionally too.

For instance, Adrien Broche notes the ambivalent role of social networks in his study:

“By creating spaces for sociability, they act as a pastime and give users the illusion they’re not alone.
But the nature and operation of these networks have changed — and so have the consequences on our relationships.

The first generation was about connecting with friends, close circles. That’s very different from the era of Reels and Shorts (videos from strangers sent to us on new media).

People acknowledge these platforms don’t help them talk or make new connections — quite the opposite. They promote isolation.”

Indeed, while Facebook in 2008 was about chatting with friends, scrolling on TikTok today has nothing social about it. Some cases are extreme — but increasingly common. There are an estimated 1.5 million Hikikomori in Japan in 2024.

These are often young people who have chosen to withdraw from society, staying permanently in their rooms.

They don’t pursue studies, hobbies, or any friendships or romantic relationships.

A person is considered Hikikomori after spending more than 6 months locked alone in their room. But the isolation can last much longer: 1 year, 5 years, even 10 years. Accelerated by the COVID crisis, this form of social withdrawal has been growing in Japan. This reclusion is almost always associated with constant use of social media, video games, and the internet. Screens aren’t the only cause — but they fuel the isolation.

This phenomenon is also growing in France, reflecting a rising malaise in part of the population.

Quality Relationships and Happiness

In 1938, Harvard researchers began a study to answer this question: What makes us happy in life? Over more than 85 years, researchers followed the lives of 724 people and their 1,300 descendants.

How?

• Sending detailed questionnaires every 2 years

• Reviewing medical records every 5 years

• Interviewing participants in person every 15 years

The major takeaway:

Deep, positive relationships are the #1 factor in happiness, health, and longevity.

It might sound cliché — but it’s true. These connections protect individuals (on average) from life’s hardships and help delay mental and physical decline.

It’s a better predictor of a long and happy life than social class, IQ, healthy eating, or even exercise. It doesn’t matter how many Facebook friends you have, Instagram followers, or how many hands you shake at conferences — what matters most for happiness and health is the quality of your close relationships.

This is partly explained by the way one brain hormone works.

Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” plays a key role in strengthening social and emotional bonds.

It’s released during positive interactions with loved ones. This hormonal release signals safety and rewards you with a sense of well-being and contentment. Conversely, prolonged social isolation is seen as a threat, triggering anxiety — even depression.

As mentioned earlier, this mechanism exists because our ability to form social bonds played an essential role in the survival and evolution of Homo sapiens. This biological necessity is deeply coded in our brains, pushing us to seek out social connection.

“Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they also protect our brains.” — Robert J. Waldinger

Pay Attention

Screens can block the very relationships we’re trying to build. The more you connect, the less you connect. Shiyang He, a Chinese designer, created a communication campaign called “Phone Wall.”

In today’s world, our brains have gotten used to constant distraction. We struggle to focus on one thing — and not just at work. In our personal lives, too. With the people we spend time with.

These repeated lapses in engagement hinder our ability to truly connect with others. Connection, however, is key to better mental health.

Paying attention to your attention is the key to forming better relationships.

Personally, I make it a point to eliminate distractions (especially my phone) when I’m with others, and to be intentional about listening actively. In the book The Good Life, one exercise really made me reflect on social relationships:

“Think of a friend or family member you love but don’t spend as much time with as you’d like.

It doesn’t have to be your most important relationship — just someone who energizes you and whom you’d like to see more often.

Every day? Once a month? Once a year? Do the math and calculate how many hours you spend with this person each year. Write it down.

Then estimate how many days you have left to spend together in person over your lifetime.”

I did the exercise — and it hurts. Especially since I’m not the best at keeping in touch. Each of us can start strengthening our bonds right now. Our individual relationships are underused resources. They can help us live healthier, more productive, more fulfilling lives.

The keys to human connection are simple — but extraordinarily powerful.